It was the year 1976 in the month of September. At the age of 17 I dropped out of High School and made the decision to leave my hometown of Concord, Ca. I headed north by hopping freight trains. This was the start of the journey, leaving the nest, it was my appointed time to declare free agency and independence. I had grown up in a very toxic family system and I needed to break away, to break out of the mold. The plan was to travel to Seattle where I could land a job with the fisheries and be sent up to Alaska for the winter. That would give me the finances and freedom to travel to other places. Unfortunately, as I discovered, the fishermen were on strike so there were no jobs except to unload the few boats that crossed picket lines. Fisheries were hiring people off the street to do this so that's what I did. It was messy, difficult work but I got paid well. This allowed me to rent a place to live, an apartment along the waterfront. Nothing fancy, but it was furnished and had a view of Puget Sound. It was the first time I had my own private space. In my spare time I walked around the downtown streets and the Seattle Center where there was the amazing Space Needle. This is where I was constantly being approached by people who were opportunistic predatory types. Yeah, they were proselytizing, attempting to convert me into some weird religious cult (Moonies, JW's, Mormons) or other odd lifestyles (male prostitution). People who lived their lives in a fantasy world many of whom were on drugs.
These were creepy people who sold out... hook, line & sinker. For them there was no way back. Being as young as I was with a dysfunctional childhood past, these people recognized me as a potential play toy for their manipulating, grooming pleasures. Indeed, they thought I would fall for their clever presentation, their misleading marketing schemes. Looking back, it was truly remarkable that I wasn't taken in by these fiendish groups. The bait that they offered me was some form of makeshift peace and artificial security. My response... fight or flight. At this time I caught an image from deep inside that visualized mass destruction. I chose the flight option here, I felt the need to break free from all these seductive trappings and to swiftly move along.
Feeling Lonely
There was a time along this journey when I recognized the need for social connection and a need for family support. Indeed, I felt I needed something (someone) greater than myself to guide me to the mountain top. I felt the need to compromise my attempt to establish free agency, autonomy and independence. I attempted to make a connection with my sister who was in Seattle at the time. Her response? She threw me out onto the street, I was discarded. Ha! This gave me even more determination to find connection and unfortunately this brought deception. This is when I met some people who were part of a group called Gospel Outreach being led by one man, Jim Durkin. They called themselves the "Liberated Jesus Family", the “Evangelistic Team” and they invited me to stay at their house.
It happened at a time when I had left all things familiar behind and this just seemed to be the right choice. Turned out, it was just another trap. I stayed for 3 nights and then they told me about a place called the Lighthouse Ranch, a place to be reprogrammed (they called it "being discipled"). Going against all that I had learned up to this point, I decided to travel down and check this place out. As it turned out, it was just as I had imagined.... a mind controlling cult. An autocracy that proudly took on the name of "Jesus". There was something that seemed familiar since I was raised in a toxic family system as well as the Lutheran church. Yet, this group seemed so very different at first, they claimed to be "better" than any other organized religion and related to each other as brothers & sisters. The teaching of GO emphasized "doing the word of God", "believe, confess & act" and "spiritual warfare". They framed their fundamentalist belief with the words “being in the world, not of the world” . It all sounded so good, so very righteous. It seemed so genuine & authentic, these people claimed to be "transformed". However, in reality, I didn't see much deep transformation happening in most lives of the GO people I met. Just a temporary fix, an outward set of rules and behaviors that masked the inner conflicting issues and disorders buried deep within the lives of these people. The darkness still remained. What caught my attention was an event that happened at this GO church in Eureka. There was a presentation on a church they had established in Guatemala. It showed the devastating earthquake that happened and how these people from GO were sent there to help rebuild homes and feed the poor victims. It brought out compassion for those people who had lost everything. I wanted to be a part of this. I discovered later that’s what they used as bait.
The loving "Jesus" these people represented seemed real at first, but quickly faded. In fact, the lighthouse ranch direction was more about marketing their pyramid scheme and weaponizing faith within their version of "Jesus". Transforming their precious "Jesus" into another dependency lifestyle. Most of the effort at this ranch was in keeping people hooked and addicted to that drug in order to serve their own (self-serving) agenda. Implementing fear of rejection was used to keep people addicted to more and more of “Jesus”. Financial support was more important than caring for the needs of people. This was my observation. The real motivation became increasingly clear to me as the journey went along. Meanwhile, I had to go through many painful experiences before I finally realized what this GO experience was really all about. Yes, GO was just another pyramid scheme, a trap, an extremely fascist religious organization bent on keeping people captive. What I failed to realize from the beginning was the power I had within myself to find my own pathway to the mountain top, not depending on some outside source or extremist fanatical religious organization. I was being led down a bad detour. However, I discovered this detour was all part of the journey. I was thankful to meet the few people in GO who were truly honest & sincerely genuine folks who lived healthy lifestyles. They reflected the true character of what they believed in Christ. It was refreshing to find people who were genuinely interested in healthy living both for themselves and for those around them. After leaving the Lighthouse Ranch I returned home to finish high school. I enrolled in a special education class in advanced photography. I was very thankful to have gained a good understanding of photography early in life with this special education class. I traveled to a different high school to attend that class. Teacher was well known for books he wrote for Kodak (Kodak Photo Explorations- Vintage 1975 by Jack Biedermann- Photography Lessons). That class really, really helped me to compose pictures, not just take pictures. Using a camera that my dad had bought in the Korean war. It was a (German) Rolleiflex twin lens reflex. I absolutely fell in love with photography with that camera.
After finishing high school I traveled to different places trying to reconnect with the people I had met in Seattle. They were a traveling group who were evangelizing around the country. I wanted to join in with this movement despite my reservations. I found myself back at the lighthouse ranch and then sent out on a tree planting crew to Colorado. The crew was completely dysfunctional and soon fell apart, I found myself dropped off on the highway. Eventually I found my way to Chicago where I joined these people on their way to New York City. In NYC I lived in a communal house operated by Gospel Outreach. I was trained in the work project New Life Service Company.
In the late 70's I became a member of a photo group in San Francisco called "Association for Multi-image".
I attended several multi-image events in San Francisco and then created a slide show for a community organization in Eureka. I also worked as the Public Service Director of KEET-TV, a PBS station in Eureka while attending College of the Redwoods.
I started my own business in 1979 at the age of 20. It was a leather & vinyl repair business in Concord. I bought a Datsun pickup truck with a loan I acquired by myself. I was completely self-reliant and learned how to succeed in business. This was a time in history when there was a gas shortage and it became extremely difficult to find gasoline and the price was very high. I overcame this obstacle by purchasing a vehicle that ran on propane. Propane cost just .28 cents a gallon while gasoline hit $1 a gallon.
Bounced & Trounced
Over the next 10 years I went through series after series of troubles and disappointments with my affiliation with GO. Always trying to find my place, never finding it. Never considered a true member, always an outside guest. A disastrous tree planting debacle in Colorado that left me alone on the highway, then I landed in New York City where I lived and worked inside a GO ministry commune. I was trained in the business of leather & vinyl repair (New Life Service Company) which was owned & operated under the church. We performed the service at many of the automotive dealers & repair shops around the city. I was assigned the route that included Manhattan and New Jersey, some of the largest accounts. The income I produced was around $3k a month. This was all channeled into the church which had acquired a special tax exemption based on being non-profit. We were told that 30% of the profit went to help poor people in Guatemala through a branch of the church called “International Love Lift”. That would mean over $10k of my yearly income was sent to Guatemala. The rest was supposedly split among the GO communal households and ministry expenses. I was assigned the task of overseer (bookkeeper) of the finances at the communal house in which I lived. This gave me a skill with managing finances. Later, it was found that the man in charge of church finances was accused of embezzling money, so there’s no telling what happened to that money. At this time I moved away to Eureka, California, headquarters of the GO church. I wanted to join the crew of Radiance Media Ministry and use my photo skills for their publications. Also, I wanted to produce videos and slide presentations to share with everyone, to show how the GO church was changing the world.
The year was 1982 in Eureka, California. It seemed the GO church had now changed the world for their “Jesus” because of what developed in Guatemala. Rios Montt, an ordained GO minister, had become the dictator of the country. There was shock & awe in the GO church as we were told that this amazing change would make the world a better place! There was a huge celebration event called “Eureka Expo ‘82” in which the GO church erected a large circus tent at a local shopping mall parking lot. There were clowns, puppet shows, singing & dancing. The MC dressed up in a gorilla costume and was interviewed by the local Eureka TV station.
Meanwhile, Rios Montt was giving sermons on local television broadcasts every Sunday evening. We were told that he had social programs that helped the native Mayan population. One program was called “beans and bullets”, although we were told it was called beans and rice. This was a cleverly designed government program to (supposedly) help the displaced poor victims of the revolution. In reality, it enabled the military to exterminate anyone who didn't conform to the censorship of the government. As it turned out, Rios Montt abused his power by savagely inflicting a “scorched earth policy”, to “kill anything that moves” upon the indigenist population in the small rural villages to “cleanse” the nation in the name of his loving “Jesus”.. 20 years later Rios Montt was found guilty of genocide and crimes against humanity. He was found to be responsible for brutally slaughtering thousands of native people in Guatemala. There was conflicting information available about this situation as some people still considered Rios Montt a hero and a martyr. It wasn't until 20 years later that I realized what had really happened when I watched the documentary film "Finding Oscar".
As usual, the GO church withheld information about what really happened in Guatemala and everyone went along with the false narrative. When the news reached me I contacted a man who was in GO leadership in Guatemala to ask if the funds from GO NYC were used to fund the conflict. He could not give me an answer. In fact, there’s no way to know where all that charity money went to, absolutely no accountability. This is when I decided to sever all the ties with GO.
GO preached a fundamentalist message of a Christ-like love and compassion available to all humans. They taught that people needed to be transformed and to be more like Jesus. Transformation and suffering were required to become more like their version of this "Jesus". Nothing wrong with that. Problem was, this gave the leadership a license to abuse power (entitlement) without any oversight or accountability. This led to behaviours within certain leaders (inner circle) that were contrary to the Spirit of love. It gave leaders a license to become mean spirited hypocrites breaking their own rules. It was all about providing supply to their pleasures. Just like most all the other churches (only worse). It was all about “do as I say, not as I do”. I finally understood now that this was a repetitive pattern that is found in most all religions. However, this GO church took things to another level... weaponizing faith. Not just a flaw in a certain few crazy personalities within the church. No, this was a much deeper, darker pattern of narcissistic behavior that was the result of denial, lack of accountability and abuse of power. This is rooted deep inside the human orbit of so many people. It’s an endless circle, a road going nowhere, a black hole, a vortex, a reality bent on manipulation and distortion of the truth.
My first international traveling adventure came in 1980 when I traveled to Israel for a few weeks and then stopped in Munich, Germany for a visit with the GO church there. In 1984 I took an extended trip touring Europe on my bicycle. Starting in England, I went to Scotland, Ireland, Holland, Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, and Yugoslavia. This took me over 3 months. When I visited the people in GO Munich, it was clear things were very different. I felt the awkward vibe as the church members judged me for living my life as freely as I was. Clearly I was a threat. One of them confronted me…. he said I wasn’t a believer since I wasn’t carrying a bible. He asked “who are you?” It was intended to be an attack on my independent personality and self-reliance. My free agency was a threat to the collective consciousness of GO . What was an attempt to discredit me, this confrontation would actually become etched into the very foundation of my life. This was a moment in life I would reflect back to, it reinforced the decision I made about the direction of my life. .
I left shortly after and went to Salzberg, Austria. I took the “Sound of Music” tour where I saw the places where the movie was filmed. I reflected on that amazing story about a family who fled Nazi Germany. I returned to Munich on a very hot, humid afternoon. I had ridden more than 100 miles in the grueling heat. I was enjoying a relaxing beer at a beer garden when I heard the distant sound of thunder. Looking up I could see a very dark and ominous cloud formation approaching. Quickly returning to my hotel to avoid the storm, it suddenly got very dark, very surreal as the thunder shook the ground, the lightning flashed continuously and it began to hail. Starting off like bouncing pellets, soon the hail stones began to grow in size and weight. It was a very awesome sight as it looked as if the sky were coming down in big chunks. No worries, I was safe in the hotel, but looking outside was like seeing a horror movie. People on the street were panicking to find shelter and to stay out of the onslaught of massive hail stones. If I were still out there riding my bicycle in the midst of this calamity, things would have been different.
Next morning I walked through downtown Munich to the train station. Almost all of the cars & buses had been badly damaged. Statues in the park were damaged. As it turned out, this was the most costly natural disaster in recorded history. I heard that roof tops had been destroyed, even airplanes on the ground had been totaled.
In 1985 I began a career as an Audio Visual technician at various locations around California and Oregon. I worked the sound & projection systems and set up various shows at hotels and convention centers all over San Jose, Monterey, Laguna Niguel, Newport Beach, Portland. It gave me the opportunity to see and hear for myself behind the scenes of the corporate world. Every company I worked for went through bankruptcy because of the changing nature of the business. I finally decided that working for these companies was a road to nowhere and I didn’t see any future in it.. I moved on.
At this time there was another tragic episode happening with my family members. My younger brother committed suicide while residing at my sisters house. He was in his early 20’s. Gun shot to the head. I had been living down the street in an apartment when my sister called. I went over and cleaned up the bloody mess in the bedroom after they took the body away. It was a horrific scene to see the wall covered in bloody brain fragments, these once belonged to my brother. Earlier that week I had talked to my brother about finding happiness in life. What I said didn’t help him. It was a very tragic loss as a result of childhood trauma and a very toxic family system.
I had restarted a somewhat mutual relationship with my dad. Fact, I was in the process of forgiving him. There was healing of some of the pain & injury that had happened in my childhood, stuff that was holding me back. My dad had reestablished his relationship with his second wife. She had a young granddaughter (8 years old) who my dad became very attached to. He spent lots of time taking her places and he even built her a tree house in his backyard. Everybody thought he was such a great example of a supportive father figure. Since the little girl had been sexually abused by her own father, we all thought this was a healthy relationship. Dad was supposed to be the helper, the grandpa who personified the male role model. It was all a delusion, a mask to cover up what was really happening.
Dad was bringing the child to his house to spend the night on Saturdays. This went on for months. Bringing this young girl to church with him on Sunday morning while he sang in the choir. Nobody knew that he was secretly involved in ongoing child sexual abuse the night before. Add to this, he was being educated & trained to be a missionary and had plans to volunteer as a missionary in Mexico at an orphanage. Just a week before he was to leave for Mexico, the little girl told her mother what was going on, she called it “gross”.. This was a crime that my dad was found guilty of and served time in prison for. A convicted pedophile, a womanizer, and a proven sociopath. My dad never admitted guilt, never said he was sorry, never felt shame, never was able to see the damage he caused others, never came clean about his horrific, compulsive crimes against his victims. Instead he made excuses, shifted blame, got caught up in ongoing manipulation to hide his creepy spiritual darkness. It was a cancer, the same addictive personality disorder of all malignant narcissists. Ironic that as a teen my dad had me locked up over a small amount of marijuana (something that helped me cope with his abuse) and now he gets locked up over one of the worst of crimes… child sexual abuse. He never attempted to come clean, never took ownership of the damage he caused others, told my sister it wasn’t a big deal and that Jesus has forgiven him for his sins. This is how he was able to feel superior to others. He decided to join a prison ministry to proselytize and preach the gospel of his version of Jesus to inmates.
Yes, my dad had a similar pattern of denial, lack of accountability, extreme spiritual darkness and abuse of power that had happened within the inner circle of GO. Although he had a problem with chronic violent outbursts. Similar pattern, same game plan, similar unhealthy behaviors involving the worst criminal violations. Coverups, lies, manipulations & deceptions. Then the perpetrators simply move on, never arriving at true repentance, never changing. The evidence was plainly clear and people were being bamboozled. Many Christian believers still choose to not see the truth. Instead, they remain ignorant. Just write this all off as a "human flaw" and their loving Jesus forgives them all. This is how enabling continues to happen. That's when I realized I needed to avoid all contact with my dad, other family members, along with most of the GO church members and Christian believers. Yes, there’s a time & place to forgive, but there’s also a time & place to avoid toxic relationships. It was time now to take responsibility for the bad choices I made in allowing these toxic people into my life. I needed to take back control, own my life, return to my free agency and not allow others to influence me. This change would come gradually over time, I just needed to go through a few more difficult experiences along this path. I moved on.
In the early 90’s I realized I needed to make some life changes. My family members were toxic. The radical, extremist GO teachings were toxic and caused injury and death to innocent victims. The misleading GO teachings were also creating deeper and deeper unhealthy violations as well as enabling horrible criminal acts by compulsive tyrants (control freaks) who were placed in leadership roles. My family was so very similar in so many ways. The corrupted mental sickness that was so evident in the heart and mind of my dad had infected my siblings. Both my older brother and older sister had very similar toxic behaviors, both in extreme denial. However, each with opposing expressions and conflicting realities. Each blaming the other for violations they themselves were guilty of. Later when both my parents passed away, it would be revealed how the narcissistic gene had been passed down from my dad to my siblings. My sister would become the new operator of this all-inclusive mental sickness.
